Red River Revelry

Let's take a minute to dissect something here. There is a phenomena in this country that seems to cripple communities. This phenomena goes by many names but I believe the most common of those names is the town festival. In Louisiana these festivals are as common as trailer park living welfare recipients. Any town in this state seems to feel that it is important enough to section off a part of the town or city and turn it into a cultural wasteland of absolutely no culture, at least none that I could identify. The local festival that I was dragged to by friends and a very interested girlfriend is absolutely no different. I speak in general terms about the food, music, people and atmosphere of the entire place. Everyone is as generic Southern American as there could be cordoned off in a mile block. There is nothing special about any of it. I think you will find this to be the case at any local festival in any small to medium sized city in this country. "Let's celebrate our diversity and love of life with a bunch of the same shit that every town with a barely competent government and 45-99 year old festival planning commission can muster up." That is in fact the actual slogan, but they jazz it up with words like "heritage", "culture", "history", and anything else that might make us thing there is a common thread we are all sharing.

In reality this is just a great chance for the city, food producers, and drink producers to make a shit ton of money on the same shit that cost about 95% less everywhere else in the world. And the reason they do this, people will pay it, including yours truly. Although that spending goes sky high when the lady is around because women love to experience shit first hand, i.e. through their senses...all of them...with your money. So food must taste better and beer must satisfy more because its more expensive and we are outside listen to the Crazy Rhythms or Blues Boots or any other of the myriad of less than mediocre wedding bands the city could afford to get to play on a Wednesday night in the middle of October in a town that is somewhere between Dallas, New Orleans, and Hell. I guess the Rolling Stones were all booked up tonight or they surely would have played. Wait, whats that? Why its the sounds of Beasts of Burden, the Rolling Stones cover band and all around dickheads who played my cousin Cindy and her alcoholic baby's daddy's wedding last fall. They are so awesome. They know "Start Me Up" and "Jumpin' Jack Flash." That's it. The rest of their songs are not even Rolling Stones covers, but the only way anyone with ears or taste would hire them is if they sell their connection to the Stones and ROCK MUSIC history. Go fuck yourself!

Also is it something about overpriced food, stale warm beer, and shitty, shitty music that brings out the ugliest people in the world, or at least in the Ark-La-Tex? That's right asshole, we live in the Ark-La-Tex. Its three states real close together so we call them one name and it makes us easier to forget we hate ourselves and our lives. The best part about living here is that one in about 600,000 people has been out of the area for more than a second so we all know everything about the rest of the country and the world. (Side note: the total population of the area might be around 600,000 people, so that one guy is really cool and gets all the hot chick.(Not a typo by the way, there is one hot chick from here who has not left at some point.))All this means is that no one has ever left this part of the country for very long and they know so much about the rest of the world and they LOVE to tell you about it. Just a city full of world travelers who decided to roll the dice and stay wherever there private plans land. Back to the point, this place has more ugly people than an Internet dating site. The only problem is that the fat uglies who inhabit this land can not paste pictures of non mutants as they walk around so we are all forced to look at them all day. One question: Tube top with fat rolls? Why God? Why? It is almost too much for a young college man with energy and a libido that could power a train from New York to Chicago in a day to deal with. It is almost enough to ruin any outing.

There is one light at the end of this dark, expensive, earsplitting, and cramped tunnel. That light is hot older chicks with big fake racks. These woman truly light up my world. In this town, as in so many others, they are everywhere. Like illegal immigrants their numbers are growing daily, however, that is where the similarities end. For these are a welcome addition to any community and while they provide so much ocular enjoyment, they will not be doing, nor should they be, any labor outside or inside of your house nor any construction work. Unless building a city full of men with massive erections is something that one needs a contractors license for. But they all generally look the same, dress the same, and make you want to have sex with them to the same degree. I think the image to the right depicts a pretty hot older chick with great boobs and the shirts they are prone to wear. Alas, these beauties are few and far between and rarely attainable as they have managed to attract either the greatest number of douchebag forty year olds or their husbands are war vets who ride motorcycles and kick faggot's asses for a living, and they make a handsome wage doing so as they have paid for their hot wife's tits.

The local town festival is full of reasons to hate going to it, yet every year we are all drawn to it. There must be something about the environment, the people, or we all hate ourselves. Even stupid hipster with a computer and a blog no one reads goes to these places, if for nothing else then to vent and find a reason to complain about life. Sometimes daddy's trust fund just does not cut it when it comes to bitching about life. Well, its actually to see how ugly humanity can actually be and how hot older chicks can make themselves if they only try. But that is just my take on the whole thing. Which is the only take that matters in any forum. Go ahead, just try to make it seem like your opinion is better than mine and you will see that you are so wrong I am even more right.