And the Oscar goes to...

"Look how intense we are."

I saw the “new” Twilight Saga movie, Eclipse, and it was predictably awful in an entertaining “I wish I wrote for Mystery Science Theatre 3000” kind of way. (I put quotes around the word new because aren’t these movies the same regurgitated thing over and over again but with slightly altered plots.)

In all of them, a pale-faced dude named Bella, played by the distracting mouth breather Kristin Stewart, falls madly in love with a gay vampire, played by an actual gay vampire, who glows in the sun. Then Bella remembers she is also in love with a shirtless Native American boy in denim cutoffs who also happens to be a werewolf. Oh the tension!  Love triangle drama ensues while some random vampire woman who has all the time in the world, literally, makes rash and terrible decisions to try and exact revenge on the gay, glowing vampire and his family because he killed her lover or something. Throw in some cookie cutter fantasy lingo and, BOOM; you got yourself this blockbuster and much beloved turd.

If none of this makes sense to you then nothing must because what makes more sense than wrapping a nonsensical love triangle story inside of a story about a vampire that hurriedly executes plan after plan to try and kill one lone female human because her vampire lover was killed?

Anyway, this is basically the plot of the third one, and by basically I mean it is the entire plot of the third one. This time, however, the enraged vampire lady executes a hastily thrown together plot to make a “newborn army” to try and kill the homely mouth breather while our three male protagonist phone in conversation after conversation about love, marriage, school, love, marriage, vampire making, love, marriage, and then a couple of scenes with topless, hairless Native American teenagers running around in tattered dungarees, only to follow it up with more talking. On top of that amazing sundae of Hollywood magic is some of the shittiest acting since Jury Duty set American movie goers on fire 15 years ago.

“Newborns,” by the way, are people that were recently turned into vampires and apparently they are super strong and super hungry and super bad at remaining low key in the world of humans, which is a bad thing because why would super strong and bad ass vampires give two shits what humans thought about anything.

Well guess what, that supposedly vicious “newborn army” sucked every guy in the theaters balls. That battle, spoiler alert, sucked, and the large amounts of topless Native American teenage boys sucked. *Wink!

There was more tension, angst, and realistic supernatural monster fighting in Toy Story 3. The "battle" scene was ten second long and this supposedly extremely vicious and unstoppable force of newborn vampires was decimated in less time than it took them to get there.

What an awful joke! To make matters worse, this is what is being said about this movie. The only thing worse than the “ultimate battle scene” was, you guessed it, the acting. The dialogue was only tolerable when the silent CGI werewolves were on screen.

In summation, Eclipse had less intense action than Steele Magnolia’s coupled with a complete dearth of the Academy Award winning acting chops of that cast. It did, I would wager, have more talking and topless boys than Steele Magnolia’s, however.

This guy must have just seen Eclipse.

After sitting through all that hype for ten seconds of mediocre action I can finally relate to what my girlfriend’s life must be like. Well, God bless her and God bless every action loving male that went see this movie, which according to the L.A. Times was quite a bit, because they were duped. We were all duped and we will be again when they release the fourth and final installment of this crap-filled baby diaper and I find myself in line for tickets.